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Teenagers and Sex (2)

The first of this series of articles on Teenagers and Sex concentrated on the context for sex, looking at respect, consent, information and safety. The second article will be built around the general theme of sexuality.

Sexuality is a term that is very flexible in scope, seeming almost to mean whatever an individual wants it to mean. Our first task, then, is to define it for the purposes of this article. In terms of a broad-brush description, Wikipedia’s “the way people experience and express themselves sexually” provides a starting point that would be acceptable to many. Writers generally divide human sexuality into a number of areas. Such lists can be long, but for the purposes of this article we shall focus on four areas with specific reference to how they might impact teenagers specifically. We shall look at sensuality, gender/sexual identity, intimacy and relationships, and sexual health.

Puberty, with its many physical, chemical and emotional changes, brings about an increase in sensuality during the teenage years that is both vast and unavoidable. Teenagers become aware that there is a sexual aspect to adult human life, which they want to explore, experience and understand. There are many levels at which the sensual development of teenagers impacts them, including how they view their own body, how they feel about other people, how they experience and manage their desires, which relationships they choose to pursue and how they foster and develop those relationships.

Basically, gender/sexual identity is about whether we identify ourselves as “male, female, both or neither”. For the current generation of teenagers, this aspect of human sexuality has become more prominent than would have been the case for teenagers merely a decade ago. During that short period of time, some societies have undergone a paradigm shift in public opinion regarding the social acceptability of homosexuality, whereas others have seen a hardening of their traditional approach. Teenagers in the digital age are aware of the range and strength of opinion in this area, yet still have to get to grips with the development of their own bodies, feelings and desires. It is not unusual for teenagers to experience a confusion of heterosexual and homosexual feelings, some of which may be temporary, some of which may be permanent, and some of which they may not comprehend until years later.

The third area of human sexuality concerns intimacy and relationships, and includes the closeness, familiarity and acceptance we show both to ourselves and to others. Intimacy can be emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, or a combination of all these things; just as relationships can take the form of platonic friendship, close companionship, or involve sexual activity. Teenagers, building on the experiences of their childhood, and in the context of the development of their sensuality and gender identity, are figuring out for themselves what are appropriate levels of intimacy and levels of friendship. This is no easy task; it may involve an element of experimentation; almost certainly there will be mistakes; and it is part of a lifelong process of learning, development and commitments.

The aspect of sexuality focusing on sexual health is as wide and all-embracing as human sexuality itself. A teenager’s self image; the way they respond to their developing body and sexual feelings; the way they embrace or fight what they perceive to be their gender identity; how they manage their sexual desires; the levels of intimacy they decide it appropriate to pursue; the relationships they attempt to build with others; the precautions they adopt against sexually transmitted infections – all these (and more) combine to determine whether an individual’s sexuality develops in a healthy way and whether or not it remains healthy.

In what follows, I assume the overall aim of parents, teachers and schools to be the creation of a climate that is likely to yield the best opportunity for a healthy development of sexuality in the teenagers with whom they live, engage and work.

Advice for parents

Within the field of human sexuality, there will be for some parents areas about which they feel particularly strongly. We shall touch on some of those areas below with the help of three keywords: honesty, openness and acceptance.

Ultimately, the teenager’s developing sexuality will be a determining factor in the adult they become, which is why it is so important for their sexuality to be genuine for them as an individual. The best means to ensure a genuine outcome is to ensure honesty about the exploration. It is important to be clear here about what is happening as a teenager’s sexuality develops. It is not a case of teenagers exploring a range of possibilities and choosing the one that appeals to them most or which will make them popular with their friends. Rather, discovering their sexuality is about uncovering something that already exists and is developing within them. Teenagers are essentially discovering who they are and parents can play an important role here by reassuring their teenager that they have nothing to fear from an honest exploration of who they are at the core of their being.

I believe parents make a big mistake if they seek to impose their own understanding of sexuality on their children, or if they communicate the message that certain expressions of sexuality are unacceptable from the outset. Parents can best encourage their teenagers to adopt an honest approach to exploring their sexuality by being honest themselves with their teenagers. At a simple level, that means being honest about their own ignorance if teenagers have questions that they (the parents) cannot answer, and then searching for answers, either together with their teenagers or separately and then comparing answers. Where there is a fear that teenagers might discover about themselves things that the parents will find difficult to accept, they should be honest about that too, but with the assurance that if there are outcomes that the parent finds difficult they will work with their teenager to find a way forward. Trying to force a teenager in a certain direction with regard to their sexuality, has the potential to result in a life built on deceit, as the teenager tries to hide who they really are from their parents; or on denial, as the teenager tries to force themselves to become the “ideal” held by their parents whilst they know deep-down that their efforts are determined to fail because that is not who they really are.

Parents can help their teenagers a great deal in this regard if they can offer reassurance of their openness to what the teenager might discover about themselves. Sometimes, parents are fearful that their own reputation might suffer with their friends, or within the wider family or their faith community, if their teenager declares a certain gender identity, for example. Rather than trying to force their teenager to conform for the sake of their own reputation, I would encourage parents to support their teenagers through times of opposition to who they are. I recognise that this is not likely to be an easy course for parents to adopt, but ultimately it is the course I advocate for the sake of the teenager. Of course, for the majority of parents they way their teenager’s sexuality develops will create no such difficulties, but the fact that the parent assured them that they would have stood by their side if difficulties had emerged will have been an enormous confidence boost on their road to adulthood.

What this all boils down to, is that teenagers need to be reassured of their parents’ acceptance. This might come as a surprise to some, but it remains the case that the vast majority of teenagers, although they may not be prepared to admit it face to face, actually want the approval of their parents. Parents are in the process of setting their teenagers free to become autonomous adults, helping them to understand their sexuality by guaranteeing them acceptance is an important element of what it means to parent a teenager in today’s world.

Advice for teachers and schools

The development of student sexuality is one area where it is of paramount importance that teachers and schools offer protection against bullying. Adolescent feelings run deep and lasting damage can be incurred if students find any aspect of their developing sexuality held up to ridicule. Bullying takes many forms: verbal, physical, online, overt, hidden; so teachers have a vital role to play in remaining aware of what is happening within the student community, and students need to know where to turn if they need help.

I would encourage schools, also, to develop curricula that address the many aspects of teenage sexuality. Fear and mockery have their roots in the unknown as individuals and groups try to protect themselves from those they perceive as different or from things they do not understand. Schools are about education, so ensuring the educational programme addresses issues that go to the heart of what it means to be human should be an important priority. Where appropriate, I would suggest schools encourage student involvement in the formation and delivery of such educational programmes.

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Considering Teenage Introverts

Teenagers are often misunderstood, but one group that is misunderstood more than many are teenagers who also happen to be introverts. In an international school where I was principal, we were used to students arriving from other countries and knew to keep an eye out to see they were settling in. Within a couple of weeks of their arrival, it became apparent that one particular student did not seem to be settling – the student rarely said anything in class, seemed to sit alone at lunchtime, could often be found on their own during breaks. A series of teachers and several students expressed concern. On talking with the student, I discovered (and their parents subsequently confirmed) that this was not a case of a homesick student who needed help, but a very introverted individual, who was very self-aware, comfortable with their introversion, and who had worked out how to find space within the busyness of a school day.

It is generally accepted that somewhere between a third and a half of people are introverts, the figure depending on the definition of introversion used. For the purposes of this article, I will assume an energy-focused definition (Susan Cain,  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Penguin, 2012, p.10). Introverts find the experience of being with others generally energy-draining and need time alone to recharge, whereas extroverts gain energy from socialising with others. There is considerable doubt whether anyone can be described as a complete introvert/extrovert, but we are all to be found on a spectrum somewhere between these two extremes, and the end of the spectrum to which we are closest leads to us being described as either introvert or extrovert.

It is important to be clear about the nature of introversion. It is not the same as shyness, which is more about fear of being judged negatively by others. Nor is it snobbery, which believes others to be of less value. It is certainly not an illness that can be cured, nor a failing that can be corrected. It is, rather, part of a person’s character; part of the way they are “wired”. Put simply, introverts value being alone as much as extroverts enjoy being the centre of attention. They are likely to avoid occasions involving many people, and perhaps maintain just a few close friendships rather than being part of bigger friendship circles. That’s just how they are.

The above holds true for people of all ages, and so includes teenagers. With a third to a half of teenagers being introverts, one might expect to find a ready supply of role models of introverts in entertainment, sport, politics, leadership positions in business and industry, etc., but a ready supply of such role models is lacking. There are a few exceptions, of course, but the vast majority of role models are extrovert in nature. The reason for the lack of introvert role models is not that introverts cannot be found in such areas, but that human society on the whole has unthinkingly bought into the idea that the extrovert role model is the model par excellence of what it means to be a successful human being. “Loudest is best”, or at least, loudest is easier to “sell” as the kind of model to which others can aspire. In short, one end of the spectrum has come to be viewed as the norm.

We are familiar with the idea of teenagers struggling to establish their own identity, but what about the effect on an introverted teenager when faced by a plethora of extrovert role models which they know deep-down they can never emulate? We are aware that teenagers live in a highly social environment, where it matters who belongs to the group and who does not, but where does that leave the introverted teenager who craves time alone in order to be able to cope with the social stresses of their daily environment? We accept that teenagers can sometimes be argumentative, rebellious, loud and boisterous, especially in groups, but what about the introverted teenager who does not fit the social stereotypes and who, by their very nature, seem to place themselves outside of the groups of which it seems to be the general expectation that they will want to be a part?

As parents and teachers, we aim to help teenagers find the adult they have the potential to become, but do introverted teenagers get the same opportunities as their extrovert contemporaries, or are they destined to have whatever is left once the extroverts have taken the best?

Advice for parents

Parents are well placed to know the character of their teenager, but they can also become frustrated at what they think they see. So, for example, the extrovert parent who does not understand their introvert teenager’s apparent preference for another quiet night in, rather than attending the party that is the talk of the town, might vent their frustration with a comment such as “It’s not normal!” or “What on earth is wrong with you?” To an introverted teenager, struggling to understand their own choices, such remarks can raise all manner of questions about the possibility of mental illness, questions the parent may not even have considered as they blurted out their instinctive question. Parental attempts to get their introverted teenager to talk might feel like an uphill struggle in the face of sullen defiance, but it could simply be that the teenager cannot find the words to express what they are feeling or know how to explore what the underlying reasons might be.

Acceptance. The most valuable support a parent can give their teenager is acceptance, especially in the case of an introverted teenager who may be struggling to understand why they do not fit comfortably into the social culture of their peers. Acceptance sends the message to the teenager that they are valued for who they are, regardless of the similarities to, or differences from, those around them. Acceptance provides a solid base from which the introverted teenager can explore ways to develop the social aspect of their life in a way that is manageable for them.

Challenge appropriately. Whilst the introverted teenager may crave time alone, they also need to develop the social skills that will enable them to survive, and hopefully thrive, as an adult. The key here for parents is to help their teenager find the right balance between time spent with others and time spent alone to recharge their energy. This may require some negotiation, perhaps agreeing to collect them at a pre-arranged time so that, if they go out, they are not faced with an open-ended social commitment. It may mean helping them to develop strategies to make social occasions more manageable. It may mean allowing them to opt out of some family times in order to find the solitude they need to prepare themselves for the next school day.

Watch for behaviour changes. Introversion is not a form of mental illness, but because the introvert will likely spend more time alone than others, the introversion can sometimes help mask the onset of a problem that needs to be addressed. It is important that parents keep an eye on their teenager’s behaviour, not so they can draw comparisons with other teenagers, but so they can look for changes in behaviour that represent a departure from what might be considered normal for their teenager. If there are concerns, talk with your teenager in the first instance, and if concerns persist, offer to go with them to seek professional advice.

Advice for teachers and schools

Question systems. Schools are busy places and teachers are busy people, so it is easy to overlook the impact on individuals of the way we do things, especially if those individuals are the quieter members of the group who might be less likely to make a fuss if things do not go their way. Schools often use group activities these days, enabling students to develop collaborative and teamwork skills. However, groups are not always the best approach, and even within larger group projects, it should be made known that students can sometimes work individually towards the group’s aims. When it comes to student government or other roles where elections might be held, having students address large groups, or even the entire school community, favours certain students. Technology is such today that students could be given the option of addressing students directly for a couple of minutes or making a video recording of the same length. This is such a simple measure that could level the playing field for some introverted students at a stroke.

Affirm introverted students. A question to the more introverted members of a class from time to time to establish that they are OK can have a lasting effect. Simply bothering to ask conveys the message to that person about their value in your eyes. Taking the opportunity of an informal chat about aspects of school life they find difficult, or asking about the strategies they have developed to make school life manageable, can be valuable for introverted students because it sends the message that you recognise some, at least, of the difficulties they face.

Create quiet spaces. Many introverts need space from others at times, even if only for a few minutes. Deliberately creating small areas for those who wish to be quiet, and helping them to maintain those areas as quiet places, could be a powerful way of helping introverted students manage their school day.

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Teenage Peer Pressure/Influence

When I talk with groups of parents whose children are approaching the teenage years, one concern that is frequently raised is that of peer pressure. Parents are afraid of the peer pressure to which their children may be subject in secondary school, believing it to be an almost irresistible force waiting to prey on their innocent children. Whist not wishing to deny the influential role that peer pressure can play in a teenager’s experience, reality is often very different from that anticipated and feared by parents.

I believe it is helpful to distinguish between peer influence and peer pressure, reserving the latter term to describe the situation where peer influence has become a problem. To varying degrees, people of all ages are subject to influence from their peers. In the case of teenagers, however, and probably due to a combination of factors, peer influence carries a heightened importance, sometimes spilling over into the negative experience of peer pressure.

It is important to understand that peer influence can be positive. The adult tendency to fear that teenage peer influence leads inexorably to undesirable or inadvisable behaviour is, in fact, ill-founded. As Maria de Guzman points out, “… peer influence … can actually motivate youth to study harder in school, volunteer for community and social services, and participate in sports and other productive endeavours. In fact, most teens report that their peers pressure them not to engage in drug use and sexual activity.”

Peer influence impacts across a range of areas from the superficial to the serious. It is most commonly observed in groups of teenagers dressing similarly, listening to similar types of music, or using their own customised vocabulary. Such common phenomena help us see that ultimately peer influence is founded on the desire to feel that one is accepted as a member of a group. However, as de Guzman points out, the similarities referred to above are often the reasons why groups of teenagers come together in the first place. So, whilst it may appear to the external observer that a group of teenagers portrays the effects of peer influence, those similarities may have pre-existed, and contributed to, the formation of the group.

It is difficult to identify precisely the point at which peer influence begins to tip over into peer pressure. One of the markers is the transition from group acceptance on the basis of similarity to pressure to conform. This feeds on the desire for acceptance and may be, at least to some degree, a self-imposed pressure whereby the teenager seeks to conform to what they think is the group expectation even though this may not have been spoken.

At the more serious end of the range from peer influence to peer pressure are the instances feared by parents. Some teenagers engage in riskier activities, make unhealthier decisions, and indulge in more problematic behaviours when they are with others than they ever would alone. In areas such as sexual activity, alcohol, smoking, drugs and illegal activity, some teenagers risk significant damage to themselves and serious long-term consequences. Peer pressure can be a contributing factor in all these areas. Parents, teachers and schools face the question of how they can best prepare teenagers to distinguish between the more benign peer influences, on the one hand, and the more serious aspects of peer pressure that need to be resisted, on the other. Additionally, there is the question of how teenagers can best be equipped to offer that resistance when it is required.

Advice for parents

Model a good understanding of what is important. Many arguments that occur between parents and their teenagers are focused on things that do not ultimately matter a great deal. To see their teenager wearing ripped clothing may irritate, for example, but it pales into insignificance alongside participation in cyberbullying or getting into a car with a peer who has been drinking alcohol. Wise parents will accord age-appropriate liberty with regard to the relatively unimportant matters, but will agree clear boundaries with their teenager regarding the more serious issues. Parents who are able to distinguish clearly between relatively minor and more serious matters, and to justify their distinctions, provide a good model for their teenagers. They also provide a sound basis for the teenagers to use as they come eventually to their own decisions about the relative importance of matters, and especially with regard to those that require resistance of peer pressure. This is even more the case if parents can refrain from “making an issue” out of something unless it belongs to the more serious category.

Work to build your teenager’s self-esteem. Parents should not under-estimate how difficult it can be for a teenager to stand firm in the face of peer pressure, especially in the age of social media. Teenagers with a strong sense of self-esteem have an improved chance of being able to assert their independence in the face of peer pressure when the need arises. Of course, the building of self-esteem will start during childhood, but it is an aspect of parenting that can be undercut as children become teenagers unless a deliberate effort is made to ensure its continuance.

Promote communication. Discussion between parents and teenagers of a wide range of issues can be helpful to the teenager as they seek to develop their own values and opinions. Many teenagers want to know their parents’ views on all manner of matters as it gives them a strong reference point as they seek to work out their own views. Discussion of peer influence and peer pressure can be included, especially if family discussions are a regular occurrence, along with possible strategies for resisting peer pressure where necessary. Especially with younger teenagers, rehearsal of simple strategies for saying “No” can be a valuable exercise. I believe it is important that teenagers learn to justify their views, rather than simply assert them, and to that end, they should understand that “everybody does it” is never an acceptable reason for a decision.

Get to know their friends. Wherever possible, get to know the friends of your teenager, perhaps by encouraging them to use your home as a meeting place. Engaging with your own teenager in private about some aspects of their friends’ beliefs or behaviours is appropriate, but avoid direct criticism of their friends as that is more likely to drive them away from you and towards the friends about whom you may have reservations.

Support your teenager. It is important for your teenager to know that you will always support them, whilst expecting them to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions. They need to know that they can come to you with any matter that is causing them concern, that you will listen to them and support them, without absolving them from the responsibility that is properly theirs. Peer pressure can be a powerful influence for sure, but it is not an excuse-all, as ultimately we are each responsible for our decisions and actions.

Advice for teachers and schools

Promote an accurate view of society. One of the reasons peer pressure operates is that many teenagers want to feel they belong, which means for them that if “everybody is doing it”, they want to make sure they are doing it too! Often, however, the behaviour that is perceived by teenagers to be the norm amongst their peers is in actuality the norm only amongst a small minority of their peers. Teenagers often have little or no concept of the bigger picture. For example, statistics indicate that in western societies, around 10% of teenagers are smokers. This means that around 90% are not smokers but, sadly, those who take up smoking “to be like everyone else” and so to appear cool, have no idea that they are leaving the position of the vast majority in order to align with a small minority. A more accurate view of society and a better understanding of statistics may not solve the problem of peer pressure but it could reverse its effect for some.

 Promote positive peer influence. The Red Cross uses peer educators to teach teenagers about safe sex because they have found that teens are more likely to listen to positive messages when they come from those in their own age group (Ref teens.lovetoknow.com). Schools are well placed to promote positive peer influence through similar initiatives and through mentorship programmes between older and younger students. Such schemes have enormous potential for good in the lives of today’s teenagers.

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