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Teenagers and Sex (3)

My past two posts have looked at the subject of Teenagers and Sex from the broad perspectives of Context and Sexuality. In this third post on the subject, I will try to deal with a few difficult questions that can be grouped loosely together under the theme of Growing Up.

It is a given for many that adolescence is a time for experimentation, when the parental rules that have governed childhood are either owned or set aside as the teenager develops the personal moral framework that will shape their adult life and guide their decision-making. This is part of the natural process of growing up, part of the journey from childhood to becoming an independent and responsible adult, and it involves a good deal of experimentation. Not surprisingly, this pattern of experimentation extends into the realm of relationships and sex.

At the same time as coming to terms with the changes initiated by puberty, whilst trying to understand the changes in their emotions and feelings, teenagers are trying to figure out a framework for the expression of their developing sexuality. Ultimately, they are trying to determine where they will draw the line about what is acceptable in terms of sex and sexuality – the kind of relationships they will pursue; what kind of conduct they find acceptable for themselves and for others; the kinds of sexual activities in which they will engage and which they will avoid. Their decisions will be influenced to varying degrees by their friends, their family, the communities to which they belong, and the beliefs they hold or are exploring. Some teenagers will play it safe in terms of their sexual experimentation; others will be much more adventurous.

As if the above were not complicated enough, there are other factors at play too! Young people develop at different rates. For most, puberty starts between the ages of 9 and 13 and lasts several years. The age at which puberty arrives can have a large effect on a young person, causing early-developers to feel they have outgrown their peers and late-developers to feel like a child in a group of adults. Differences in developmental age within peer groups influence relationships and sexual exploration, lending kudos within the group to some for their “exploits” and sometimes creating feelings of desperation in others that their biology leads them to being viewed as inexperienced or childlike.

The legal age of consent for sex varies both between and within countries, as do statistics relating to teenage sexual activity. I have seen figures ranging from a third to a half of school-age teenagers claiming to have had sex, and up to 70% for the proportion of school-age teenagers who have experienced some form of sexual activity. There is no ideal age for losing one’s virginity, the average age for which ranges from about 15 (USA) to 17 (Ireland). Attitudes to losing one’s virginity include regarding it as a rite of passage; as an enjoyable experience to be actively sought; as something to be delayed as long as possible; and as an experience to be properly reserved for marriage. Some teenagers take a vow to preserve their virginity until marriage, but it has been suggested that the impact of such vows on sexual experimentation are limited as some young people taking such vows regard them as applying only to full sexual intercourse whilst any other form of sexual activity remains open to exploration.

A further aspect that should be noted is the possible psychological impact for teenagers of engaging in sexual activity. For some, it will be an enjoyable and positive experience, boosting their confidence and laying a sound basis for future relationships. For some, however, it can be a painful or frightening experience for which they were not genuinely ready, yielding a loss of self-confidence and possibly having a long-lasting impact on future adult relationships and sexual encounters.

Advice for parents

Refuse to foster guilt or fear. A cursory glance at websites offering advice about teenagers and sex reveals how easy it is to adopt the approach of fostering guilt or fear. Some sites give the impression that the possibility of pregnancy or of contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) is pretty much all there is to say about the subject of teenagers and sex. I recognise the importance of teenagers understanding that there can be unwanted consequences from unprotected sex, but I cannot agree that this even begins to approach all that could helpfully be said on the subject. Parents will, of course, want their teenager to be well educated about the dangers and about steps that can be taken to minimise them. However, many parents will agree that if teenagers are given a picture of sex that does not extend beyond the dangers, then they will have been sold well short in terms of a balanced, informative and constructive education on the subject. Fostering guilt or fear as a tool to delay sexual experimentation by teenagers may bring a short-term delay in some cases, but ultimately it risks them entering adulthood with a negative, fearful view of sex that can damage future relationships and bring lasting damage to their relationships with those who fed them that distorted view in the first place.

Seek what is best for the teenager. Most parents will agree the importance of teenagers knowing about contraception ahead of the time it is needed. Many will feel able to talk with their teenagers about contraception to ensure they are well informed. However, this is very different from finding contraceptives in your daughter’s handbag or son’s jacket pocket – and very different from the reaction of some parents when this happens! I remember talking with a parent who had recently taken their teenager to university for the first time. They went together to buy food at a supermarket near the campus, only to see their teenager put a packet of condoms into the trolley “just in case”. It took about half an aisle for the initial shock to subside. This teenager knew about contraception and the importance of having it available should it be needed. They were also sufficiently comfortable to make the purchase with their parents present. This was not something for the parents to be embarrassed or ashamed about, but reassurance that their teenager was well prepared to leave home.

Work to eliminate taboo subjects. Most parents find some subjects easier to raise with their teenagers than others. Even where there is initial discomfort, however, wise parents find ways of broaching the trickier topics from time to time so that there are no taboos and the teenagers know that they can come to the parents if they need to talk – whatever the subject. Among the trickier subjects for many will be those of masturbation and pornography, especially if the parent has walked in unexpectedly and found the former in progress or the latter being viewed – or both!

For many teenagers, masturbation is part of the way they explore their developing bodies in a medically safe way. It seems to be an activity that is engaged in by a large proportion of teenagers and adults, but with very few being prepared to talk about it. If parents should walk in on their teenagers who are thus engaged, in addition to learning to knock first, I suggest acknowledging subsequently what was happening. In all probability, the teenager will be as embarrassed about the incident as the parent, and will probably be relieved that the parent was prepared to raise the subject subsequently rather than pretending it never happened. If a parent is able to raise the subject as part of a conversation under more normal circumstances, then some reassurance about the morally-neutral nature of the activity and of its medical safety as a means of exploration might be a good starting point.

Pornography has become far more readily accessible to today’s teenagers than was ever the case with former generations due its easy availability in the digital age. Statistics suggest that a very large majority of teenagers access pornography at some time or another. Wise parents will raise this subject with their teenagers from time to time, perhaps raising such issues as the difference between popular and hard-core pornography, the objectification of people, and the desensitising effect of repeated exposure to pornography. The most important aspect of pornography for teenagers to understand, I believe, is its illusory nature. The sex in pornographic videos is not real sex; it is staged. The biggest danger for most teenagers, therefore, is that they expect their own sexual experiences to reflect what they see in pornographic material, which will lead almost inevitably to disappointment and possibly to them making unreasonable demands on partners.

Both the above topics have the potential to become powerful taboo subjects within families. Taboos prevent communication, which is never a good thing in terms of the parent-teenager relationship. I recognise the discomfort many will experience in raising such subjects, but I believe that if by raising them, teenagers get the message that they can always talk with their parents if they need to, whatever the subject, then a few uncomfortable conversations will come to be seen as having been well worthwhile.

Beware of sending mixed messages. Within several of the areas discussed above, the danger of sending mixed messages is apparent. That is also the case when the subject of sleepovers comes up, especially when older teenagers are requesting that their current partners be permitted to “sleep over”, which everyone knows is often not really about sleeping, but about some level or other of sexual activity. The knee-jerk response of some parents to such requests will be “Not under my roof!” but that is a dangerous response because it is open to several interpretations. It could be taken to mean that the parents believe the proposed activity to be wrong under any circumstances, in which case they should say that calmly and give reasons. However, it could be seen as sending the message that the parents are not comfortable with their teenager having sex and wish to be shielded from such knowledge by it taking place in someone else’s house. The danger, of course, is that it could be interpreted to mean that sex behind the bins at the back of the local supermarket is ok, whatever the dangers of sex in such inauspicious circumstances.

However difficult some parents might find it to confront issues liked those discussed above, when it comes to talking with their teenagers about sexual matters, I would advise that the aim should be for clear communication. Parents will sometimes feel embarrassed about the subject matter, but for the sake of their teenagers, they will push beyond their embarrassment. Stating clearly what they believe and explaining why, even if it takes several conversations for this to be achieved, is important. Even where the teenager will not hear the reasons or heed the advice, the fact that the parents overcame their discomfort and tried to communicate clearly sends a powerful message about the value they place on their teenager and of the importance of sex in human relationships.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Sex education. An article in the Sydney Morning Herald in 2015 made the point that “Teenagers … said they felt let down by school sex education that is too narrowly focused on biology and risk-prevention messages”. There has been a welcome increase of late in discussion of the need to expand the scope of sex education in schools so that it includes more than “the basics” about sex and anchors sex more firmly in the context of human relationships. This is an area that schools have traditionally avoided, but which carries the potential for them to make an enormous contribution to the preparation of young people for life in the modern world. As a first step, I would encourage schools to begin a dialogue with parents with the aim of developing a mutual understanding of the aims and approaches of sex education in school, which is properly understood as complementary to, rather than being in competition with, the role of parents in this area.

Establishing the boundaries of acceptability. Schools have an important role to play in helping teenagers develop an understanding of the boundaries of acceptability. Public displays of affection (PDA) occur in all school communities at some time or other. In part, PDA stems from an inability of teenagers to exercise easy and effective control over their developing hormonal drives. It is also due to the fact that, at the same time as coming to terms with all the changes of adolescence, they need to develop their understanding of what types of behaviour are regarded as acceptable in various branches of human society. School is the workplace for teenagers and part of being educated in a school is learning the behaviour that is considered acceptable for the work environment. The best teachers develop ways of challenging excessive PDA that enable the teenagers to learn the boundaries while not feeling humiliated or victimised in the process.

Being there when it matters. Teachers are sometimes the ones to whom teenagers will turn when they need someone in whom they can confide. Teachers will know that this is an area in which their own self-awareness is of great importance. If a teacher becomes uncomfortable about the level of personal support a student is seeking, or feels that the depth of intimate detail being revealed by a student is inappropriate, they should pass the student to someone else for support. Additionally, teachers should develop their own systems of safe practice to reduce the risk of being accused of behaving unprofessionally, and schools should require such safe practice from their teachers. With all that having been said, however, there are times when teenagers turn to teachers for support or help. Being there for a student when it matters is one of the aspects of teaching that for many gives a level of job satisfaction which those outside the teaching profession will often find it difficult to appreciate fully.

 

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Teenagers and Anxiety

Considerable concern has been expressed of late about an apparent rise in teenage anxiety. The number of teenagers receiving medical treatment for severe anxiety is on the rise and a variety of theories are being advanced as to why this might be the case.

It should be clear from the outset that a certain level of anxiety (for example: when faced with new challenges) is both a natural response of the human body and a good thing. Anxiety in the face of changed circumstances or new experiences is part of the body’s “fight or flight“ response. It sharpens our focus, heightens our concentration, provides a surge of energy to face and deal with whatever challenge has come our way – an invaluable asset for exams, public performances, college and job interviews, and the like. It is also useful for prompting teenagers to reflect on unsafe situations in which they might find themselves. Given the amount of change that occurs during the teenage years, it should come as no surprise that teenagers experience varying levels of anxiety. Indeed, learning how to control and use anxiety could be seen as one of the many tasks of the teenage years.

Most of the time, and for most teenagers, anxiety is a temporary phenomenon that resolves itself as the situation that prompted its arrival is faced and resolved. There are times, however, when anxiety can become a problem, times when

  • feelings of anxiety become very intense so that they begin to envelop more and more of the teenager’s life, or
  • their anxious state does not recede but persists over weeks or months, or
  • anxiety begins to eat away at the teenager’s ability to manage and enjoy daily life.

In circumstances such as these, anxiety loses its usefulness as a tool to help manage and enhance life and may develop into an anxiety disorder for which medical or psychological support may be necessary.

The causes of such a change in the nature of anxiety from a life-enhancing tool to a potentially destructive force are varied. Genetic, personality, environmental and physical factors have all been suggested among the list of possible causes, and for many it seems likely to be a combination of a variety of factors. Whilst identifying the causes can help those managing treatment and care to find an appropriate path towards a solution, many of the causal factors cannot be eliminated or avoided. We shall therefore concentrate below on steps that parents and teachers can take to help teenagers learn to manage “normal” anxiety in such a way that it retains its power as a tool to help them shape life positively.

Advice for parents

Be well informed. As with so many areas of raising teenagers, parents are required to walk something of a tightrope. On the one hand, seeking to shield teenagers from all situations that might provoke anxiety will leave them ill-equipped to face the stresses of the adult world. On the other, seeking to over-expose them to anxiety-producing situations as a form of “innoculation” against future anxiety may well undermine their confidence and leave them more prone to anxiety than they might otherwise have been. Rather, careful observation of how your teenager handles stress, knowing the classic signs of “anxiety”, recognizing the signs your teenager gives out when they are becoming over-anxious about a situation, learning when to encourage them to face their fears and when to avoid situations are all aspects of becoming a well-informed parent on this particular subject.

Maintain a healthy relationship with open channels of communication. Certainly, there will be times when teenagers reject the advice and guidance of their parents, but maintaining a relationship within which teenagers know they can share their concerns when they feel the need to do so, is an invaluable means of support that can give teenagers confidence through the years of adolescence. If parents are able, when appropriate, to talk about their own experiences of managing anxiety, including times they may have struggled with it, this can help teenagers see that it is not a subject and experience to be avoided at all costs and may well dispose them to be more open about their own experiences.

Watch out for the warning signs and don’t be afraid to act if necessary. Becoming aware of the classic signs both of anxiety and of over-anxiety is something of an academic exercise, but knowing how to act on those signs in the best interests of your teenager is highly personal. It requires the kind of detailed knowledge of your teenager that only parents, and perhaps a few others, can acquire. Of course, parents should avoid any inclination to jump in and take over their teenagers’ lives, but when the danger signs are there, parents should not be afraid to act. If anxiety gets out of control, a teenager’s longer term mental health could be affected so early intervention in terms of seeking professional support is strongly advised. School counsellors, therapists, family doctors are all possible starting points for finding professional help for those who need it.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Inform students about anxiety, its symptoms and how to find help. The ready availability in schools of age-appropriate resources is as important in equipping teenagers to manage anxiety as in many other areas. Funding the provision of resources covering a wide range of mental health and social issues might be beyond the budgetary capabilities of many schools. However, if it were possible, it could be developed into a major contribution to student health and well-being. Schools are starting to include more aspects of well-being within their social and health education curricula, which is to be encouraged, and certainly the management of anxiety should find a place within such schemes. Anxiety carries something of a stigma of fragility and an inability to cope with life. Handled wisely, this need not be the outcome for anxious students, although it represents a danger for those whose anxiety spirals out of control. Such stigma is often best addressed by openly addressing the subject, whether it be in a classroom setting or in private conversation.

Communicate concerns. Teachers will expect to see a certain level of anxiety amongst their students from time to time, especially during the exam season, for example. However, teachers will often be the first to notice when individual students begin to show signs of becoming overly anxious. When teachers are concerned about individuals in this respect, it is important that they communicate their concerns promptly. Whether that communication happens with the student or their parent, or with someone who has pastoral responsibility in school will depend on a whole host of factors, including the age and personality of the student, the procedures in place within the school, the relationship that the teacher has with the particular student, and so on. Whatever its most appropriate form, the important thing is that the communication happens and that difficulties are not allowed to push that communication aside.

Don’t underestimate the value of encouragement. We all need encouragement from time to time, and encouragement can be a particularly effective means of support for those who are anxious. In some cases it may take the form of encouragement to face a challenge head-on despite the anxiety, but in others it will be about helping a student to find another way of achieving a goal. The approach will vary according to the individuals and circumstances involved. However, the value of the encouragement offered by a concerned teacher should never be under-estimated when offered in the context of student anxiety.

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Teenagers and Alcohol

In many societies, alcohol has come to be viewed as the most socially-acceptable of drugs. For many teenagers, consequently, learning to use and manage alcohol is seen as a normal part of the growing-up process, and the experience of becoming drunk a kind of rite of passage. The result of social acceptance, however, is a kind of collective down-playing of the dangers of alcohol, both in terms of the drug itself and in terms of the increased risks it brings to other activities.

We begin our consideration with a look at the basic facts about alcohol.

  • Alcohol is a drug.
  • It is a depressant.
  • It is addictive.

When a person consumes an alcoholic drink, about a third of the alcohol is absorbed immediately into the bloodstream through the stomach wall, whilst the remaining two-thirds is absorbed more slowly through the small intestine. Once in the bloodstream, the alcohol circulates the body where it can affect all its organs, but its primary focus is the brain and central nervous system. As a depressant, alcohol acts to slow down the processes of the human body. Initially, it inhibits the area of the brain responsible for self-consciousness, which means the person can experience a short-lived sense of freedom, and which leads to alcohol sometimes being seen mistakenly as a stimulant. However, after this initial effect, its depressant nature becomes more readily apparent in symptoms like slurred speech, unsteadiness in standing or walking, reduced inability to process information, impaired memory and drowsiness. Over-exposure to the drug can have serious consequences, including suppression of breathing, coma and death.

Brain scans have confirmed the depressant nature of alcohol, which acts to suppress the activity of the pre-frontal cortex: the area of the brain responsible for decision-making. The initial experience of freedom from inhibition is one of the features of alcohol that contributes to its highly addictive nature, helping people relax in social situations they might otherwise find stressful. Those who are unable to control their response to the drug’s addictive nature are known as alcoholics, who require alcohol to sustain their day-to-day functioning. The long-term damaging effects of alcohol on the human body are both well known and well documented.

The legal minimum age for drinking alcohol varies between countries. Whereas 13 is widely given as the average age for a first drink, an article published in The Guardian at the beginning of 2018 claimed for the UK that, “… 14% of girls and 20% of boys had tried alcohol at the age of 11”. Furthermore, the article went on to claim, “… the latest findings show that overall almost half of teenagers had tried alcohol by age 14”. The rise in binge drinking (usually defined as more than 5 drinks in a session) amongst older teenagers during the last decade has given rise to considerable societal concern.

The dangers associated with drinking alcohol for teenagers fall mainly into two categories: the possible effects of the alcohol on the developing teenage brain and body; and exposure, as a result of the alcohol consumption, to activities riskier than those to which the teenagers would ordinarily be exposed. Much has been learned over the past decade through brain research, about the major phase of human brain development that occurs during the teenage years until the mid-twenties. This phase of extraordinary brain development occurs coincidentally with the time period which, for many, is the heaviest period of exposure to alcohol of their entire lives. As one Australian publication warns, “Drinking alcohol can cause irreversible changes to the developing brain, particularly to the area of the brain that is responsible for rational thinking. Damage to this part of the brain during its development can lead to learning difficulties, memory problems, and impaired problem solving.”

Alongside the health-related dangers of alcohol, there is the element of risk that comes from engaging in certain activities whilst under the influence of alcohol. Top of the list is driving, or being a passenger of someone, under the influence of alcohol. Teenagers are also more likely, when under the influence of alcohol, to engage in unprotected sexual activity, to become the perpetrators or victims of sexual assaults, to become involved in violent incidents, to commit self-harm or suicide.

Advice for Parents

In light of the widespread availability and social acceptance of alcohol in many societies, on the one hand, and of the dangers outlined above, on the other, the best advice to parents is twofold. Firstly, delay as long as possible the initial use of alcohol by your teenager. Secondly, when delay is no longer a feasible option, stress the importance of the safest possible use.

Delay initial exposure to alcohol. This advice is strongly rooted in the effect of alcohol on the teenager’s developing brain. As the article cited earlier from Reachout.com states with regard to the teenage brain, “… the longer your teenager delays using alcohol, and the less they drink, the better their brain functioning will be now and in later life.” The findings of teenage brain research are still relatively new, but as they receive further confirmation, and as they become more widely known, I would expect the drive to delay the initial exposure of teenagers to alcohol also to intensify. For years, one of the favoured approaches of many parents was to introduce their teenagers to alcohol a little at a time in the safety of the home environment. The results of an Australian study reported in The Lancet in early 2018 reached the conclusion that “There is no evidence to support the practice of parents providing alcohol to their teenagers to protect them from alcohol-related risks during early adolescence”. In fact, the study’s findings “strongly suggest that parental supply of alcohol to adolescents does not protect against future alcohol-related harm, and might in fact increase risk.”

Safe use. Regardless of the strategies used by parents to delay the use of alcohol by their teenagers, there comes a time for most when teenagers decide to try it for themselves. From this point on, the role of the parent shifts to trying to ensure the safest possible use. This includes (at the very least):

  • making teenagers aware of the effects of alcohol on the human brain and body;
  • giving advice on maintaining an acceptable level of consumption;
  • suggesting how to resist peer pressure to drink more or to excess;
  • making clear the dangers of binge drinking;
  • agreeing sensible transport arrangements to and from parties;
  • making it clear to your teenagers that they remain responsible for their actions towards others even when under the influence of alcohol;
  • assuring teenagers that you are always there for them whatever their situation;
  • putting in place emergency arrangements for you to “rescue” them at a moment’s notice from situations where they feel they might be in danger.

Role model a responsible use of alcohol. However strong a parent’s words about alcohol and its dangers, the way their parents handle alcohol will have more effect on the teenager. Teenagers notice the discrepancies between the words and actions of their parents. Such are the dangers to teenagers from the misuse of alcohol, however, that parents will want to avoid sending mixed messages about its use, about drinking and driving, and about all the other areas where alcohol impinges on social behaviour.

Communicate openly about alcohol and related issues. Teenagers may view their parents as old-fashioned or party-spoilers when they communicate about alcohol, but sometimes that’s what being a parent demands. Parents have to accept that sometimes their teenagers make decisions that go against their best advice, but parents can ensure that their teenagers make those decisions with full knowledge of the dangers, effects and possible consequences.

Keep safety the number one priority. A late night phone call from your teenager because their driver has been drinking and they do not want to get into the car with them is certainly inconvenient and not what you wanted after a long week at work. However, it is the kind of phone call that I would rather receive and respond to than have a visit from the police after a serious or fatal accident. Your teenagers need to know that on the few occasions they feel they have to make that call, you will respond and that they will not be in trouble for having made the call.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Make clear information available. If they are so minded, teenagers can find information on the internet to support any stance they choose to adopt on alcohol. Parents can sometimes struggle to know good sources of information, as opposed to opinion. One way schools can support teenagers and their parents is to keep and make available, both to students and their parents, reliable information about alcohol, its effects and dangers, warning signs of alcohol dependence, where to find help if it is needed, etc. Reliable and easily accessible, up-to-date information can be an invaluable resource and a means of ensuring that discussions between parents and teenagers commence from a common starting point.

Be alert to the warning signs of alcohol-related issues. Teachers will often see the signs of alcohol-related problems in school, but schools need to ensure that teachers know what signs to look for, whom to tell, and what to do if they see those signs. This is an area of student care where regular and informed professional development of the whole teaching staff can make a big difference.

Have clear policies about alcohol and enforce them. Students, parents and teachers all need to know what happens if a student brings alcohol into school or attends school-related events whilst under the influence of alcohol. To be effective, such policies need to be communicated clearly and regularly, and they need to be enforced.

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Teenagers Take Risks

One of the recurring nightmares for parents of teenagers is that their teenager will participate in a genuinely risky activity, will take one risk too many, and that things will go wrong. With activities such as binge drinking, drug experimentation, dangerous driving, illegal activities, risky sexual practices, and unrestricted online encounters all on the list of possible areas for risk-taking, the seriousness of the consequences for some teenagers can easily be imagined.

Compared to those in both younger and older age-groups, adolescents and young adults take more risks. A variety of explanations has been suggested as to why this might be, including teenage hormone levels, the stage of their brain development, the need to explore for personality development, an attempt to break away from parental control, and that it reflects a common response to peer pressure and the desire to be included. None of these have received acceptance as a universal explanation for teenage risk-taking, but they have all received recognition as partial explanations for this widely observed phenomenon. This suggests the reasons for teenage risk-taking may be some form of complex combination of the above, with varying levels of significance attributed to each contributing cause according to the individual teenager and the communities from which they come.

Most commentators agree that risk-taking is a part of what might be termed “normal teenage behaviour”, part of the natural process of growing up. So, despite the understandable desire of some parents to prevent all forms of risk-taking, to do so should be regarded as ill-advised. If the freedom to explore and to try new things is part of the natural growing-up process, as it seems to be, then to obstruct it would be counter-productive to the goal of preparing teenagers for adulthood. On the other hand, if it is possible to moderate the more serious instances of risk-taking, so as to reduce the extreme dangers while still allowing room for experimentation and growth, then that would seem to be the preferred approach. This is the approach I shall pursue through the remainder of this article. 

Advice for Parents

Manage the risk-taking environment for younger teenagers. Finding a “safe” environment within which younger teenagers can experience the thrill of risk-taking is one avenue of approach that parents can explore. Family days out, perhaps taking along a few friends, to managed adventure activities is one way of helping younger teenagers experience the thrill of adventure and risk-taking within an environment where the risk-taking is managed to ensure safety, as far as possible. Roller coasters at theme parks, rope courses through the trees, zip wires, rock climbing, hiking, river rafting… are a few examples of the types of activity that carry the possibility of thrill-seeking for families and friends within a managed environment. Parents should be aware, too, that adventure activities are not the answer for every teenager. Some will gain more by way of thrill from performing drama, music or dance in front of a large audience. Parents will need to choose the activities in consultation with their young teenagers, taking into account the level of adventure and type of risk-taking to which they are suited. By supporting and engaging in such activities, the bond between parents and their teenagers can be strengthened, and the hope is that the thrill experienced in such ways will lessen the likelihood that the teenagers will feel the need to go and seek their thrills in other, unsupervised, environments.

Get to know their friends. Parents should be aware that teenagers are more likely to take risks when with a group of their peers than at other times. Vulnerability to peer pressure seems to peak at around the age of fifteen, so once again, this is a crucial factor of which parents of younger teenagers need to be aware. Making your home available for your teenager’s friends to hang out gives a great opportunity for getting to know their friends. Seeing your own teenager interact with their peer group at close quarters can tell you all manner of things about them and about the nature of the group dynamics in operation within the peer group. Such insights can be invaluable in subsequent private conversations with your teenager. Contrary to popular myth, teenagers are interested in finding out what adults think, and once they trust you, they may well ask about all manner of things. Being in a position to advise your teenager and their friends and to influence them with regard to the type of risks they might consider taking or avoiding is both a privilege and a responsibility.

Engage in straight talk with your teenager about risk-taking, dangers and possible consequences. At times, teenagers choose to go against their parents’ best advice. Parents cannot always prevent this from happening, but they can ensure that any such decisions by their teenager are at least taken from the position of being informed about the risks, dangers and consequences of their choices and actions. Some parents find it difficult to talk with their teenagers about such matters as alcohol and drugs, or unprotected sexual activity, but a few minutes of discomfort whilst engaging in straight talk about such matters is far better than prolonged periods of regret for not having talked through such matters in the aftermath of poor choices having led to serious consequences. An ongoing dialogue throughout the teenage years is the best context for such conversations, within which your teenager knows they can raise whatever issues with you that they wish and that you will always do your best to talk the matter through and give your best advice, even when they don’t like what you are saying. As an article in the New York Times expressed it, “… adolescents who have open lines of communication with their folks and describe their parents as available and understanding are less likely to engage in dangerous behavior”.

Be prepared to support your teenager through the consequences of their choices about risk-taking. Sometimes your teenager will heed your advice; sometimes they will choose otherwise. Whatever their choices, whatever risks they take, and whatever the consequences if things go wrong, parents need to avoid absolving their teenagers of responsibility and to offer support as they work through the consequences of their choices. Teenagers will take risks, they will make mistakes, but the essential thing is that they are helped to learn from those mistakes as they continue their journey towards adulthood.

Teenage risk-taking can be a worrying subject for parents, so perspective is important. As a research study undertaken at the university of Pennsylvania into adolescent risk-taking concludes, “For the vast majority of adolescents … this period of development passes without substance dependence, sexually transmitted infection, pregnancy, homicide, depression, suicide, or death due to car crashes.”

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Promote safety. Schools and teachers carry a responsibility for the safety of their students during the time they are in school or engaged in school-related activities. The spirit in which that responsibility is carried out communicates a great deal to students about a school’s attitude towards them. Safety can descend to the level of a box-ticking exercise. Concern about student safety can become submerged in a mass of procedural minutiae, from which students and teachers long to break free. However, genuine concern for student safety, backed up by clear communication about why procedures are necessary and which include the responsibility of students to look out for each other, can help shape the value students place on their own safety and that of their peers. This can provide a valuable context and framework within which those same teenagers will operate when making their own decisions about the kind of risks they are prepared to countenance.

Promote activities that challenge teenagers. Many schools give students opportunities to participate in the Performing Arts, where they can experience the challenge and excitement of performance before an audience. Many schools also offer group activities around the themes of adventure and service, thereby providing in a controlled manner the kind of thrills teenagers often seek. Teachers who have seen the effects of teenagers being encouraged to perform publically, or being exposed to cultures other their own through participation in international development projects, or who have accompanied expeditions, will readily attest to their value as learning opportunities. Teenagers who have the opportunity to find challenge and thrill through extra-curricular activities and programmes facilitated by schools will often talk, even years later, of the enormous influence for good such opportunities provided them during their teenage years, and about the life-shaping effects they experienced through them.

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Teenage Peer Pressure/Influence

When I talk with groups of parents whose children are approaching the teenage years, one concern that is frequently raised is that of peer pressure. Parents are afraid of the peer pressure to which their children may be subject in secondary school, believing it to be an almost irresistible force waiting to prey on their innocent children. Whist not wishing to deny the influential role that peer pressure can play in a teenager’s experience, reality is often very different from that anticipated and feared by parents.

I believe it is helpful to distinguish between peer influence and peer pressure, reserving the latter term to describe the situation where peer influence has become a problem. To varying degrees, people of all ages are subject to influence from their peers. In the case of teenagers, however, and probably due to a combination of factors, peer influence carries a heightened importance, sometimes spilling over into the negative experience of peer pressure.

It is important to understand that peer influence can be positive. The adult tendency to fear that teenage peer influence leads inexorably to undesirable or inadvisable behaviour is, in fact, ill-founded. As Maria de Guzman points out, “… peer influence … can actually motivate youth to study harder in school, volunteer for community and social services, and participate in sports and other productive endeavours. In fact, most teens report that their peers pressure them not to engage in drug use and sexual activity.”

Peer influence impacts across a range of areas from the superficial to the serious. It is most commonly observed in groups of teenagers dressing similarly, listening to similar types of music, or using their own customised vocabulary. Such common phenomena help us see that ultimately peer influence is founded on the desire to feel that one is accepted as a member of a group. However, as de Guzman points out, the similarities referred to above are often the reasons why groups of teenagers come together in the first place. So, whilst it may appear to the external observer that a group of teenagers portrays the effects of peer influence, those similarities may have pre-existed, and contributed to, the formation of the group.

It is difficult to identify precisely the point at which peer influence begins to tip over into peer pressure. One of the markers is the transition from group acceptance on the basis of similarity to pressure to conform. This feeds on the desire for acceptance and may be, at least to some degree, a self-imposed pressure whereby the teenager seeks to conform to what they think is the group expectation even though this may not have been spoken.

At the more serious end of the range from peer influence to peer pressure are the instances feared by parents. Some teenagers engage in riskier activities, make unhealthier decisions, and indulge in more problematic behaviours when they are with others than they ever would alone. In areas such as sexual activity, alcohol, smoking, drugs and illegal activity, some teenagers risk significant damage to themselves and serious long-term consequences. Peer pressure can be a contributing factor in all these areas. Parents, teachers and schools face the question of how they can best prepare teenagers to distinguish between the more benign peer influences, on the one hand, and the more serious aspects of peer pressure that need to be resisted, on the other. Additionally, there is the question of how teenagers can best be equipped to offer that resistance when it is required.

Advice for parents

Model a good understanding of what is important. Many arguments that occur between parents and their teenagers are focused on things that do not ultimately matter a great deal. To see their teenager wearing ripped clothing may irritate, for example, but it pales into insignificance alongside participation in cyberbullying or getting into a car with a peer who has been drinking alcohol. Wise parents will accord age-appropriate liberty with regard to the relatively unimportant matters, but will agree clear boundaries with their teenager regarding the more serious issues. Parents who are able to distinguish clearly between relatively minor and more serious matters, and to justify their distinctions, provide a good model for their teenagers. They also provide a sound basis for the teenagers to use as they come eventually to their own decisions about the relative importance of matters, and especially with regard to those that require resistance of peer pressure. This is even more the case if parents can refrain from “making an issue” out of something unless it belongs to the more serious category.

Work to build your teenager’s self-esteem. Parents should not under-estimate how difficult it can be for a teenager to stand firm in the face of peer pressure, especially in the age of social media. Teenagers with a strong sense of self-esteem have an improved chance of being able to assert their independence in the face of peer pressure when the need arises. Of course, the building of self-esteem will start during childhood, but it is an aspect of parenting that can be undercut as children become teenagers unless a deliberate effort is made to ensure its continuance.

Promote communication. Discussion between parents and teenagers of a wide range of issues can be helpful to the teenager as they seek to develop their own values and opinions. Many teenagers want to know their parents’ views on all manner of matters as it gives them a strong reference point as they seek to work out their own views. Discussion of peer influence and peer pressure can be included, especially if family discussions are a regular occurrence, along with possible strategies for resisting peer pressure where necessary. Especially with younger teenagers, rehearsal of simple strategies for saying “No” can be a valuable exercise. I believe it is important that teenagers learn to justify their views, rather than simply assert them, and to that end, they should understand that “everybody does it” is never an acceptable reason for a decision.

Get to know their friends. Wherever possible, get to know the friends of your teenager, perhaps by encouraging them to use your home as a meeting place. Engaging with your own teenager in private about some aspects of their friends’ beliefs or behaviours is appropriate, but avoid direct criticism of their friends as that is more likely to drive them away from you and towards the friends about whom you may have reservations.

Support your teenager. It is important for your teenager to know that you will always support them, whilst expecting them to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions. They need to know that they can come to you with any matter that is causing them concern, that you will listen to them and support them, without absolving them from the responsibility that is properly theirs. Peer pressure can be a powerful influence for sure, but it is not an excuse-all, as ultimately we are each responsible for our decisions and actions.

Advice for teachers and schools

Promote an accurate view of society. One of the reasons peer pressure operates is that many teenagers want to feel they belong, which means for them that if “everybody is doing it”, they want to make sure they are doing it too! Often, however, the behaviour that is perceived by teenagers to be the norm amongst their peers is in actuality the norm only amongst a small minority of their peers. Teenagers often have little or no concept of the bigger picture. For example, statistics indicate that in western societies, around 10% of teenagers are smokers. This means that around 90% are not smokers but, sadly, those who take up smoking “to be like everyone else” and so to appear cool, have no idea that they are leaving the position of the vast majority in order to align with a small minority. A more accurate view of society and a better understanding of statistics may not solve the problem of peer pressure but it could reverse its effect for some.

 Promote positive peer influence. The Red Cross uses peer educators to teach teenagers about safe sex because they have found that teens are more likely to listen to positive messages when they come from those in their own age group (Ref teens.lovetoknow.com). Schools are well placed to promote positive peer influence through similar initiatives and through mentorship programmes between older and younger students. Such schemes have enormous potential for good in the lives of today’s teenagers.

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Teenagers, personal mobile devices and social media – a reasoned approach

For many, this is a hot topic. The past decade has seen a massive increase in the availability of personal mobile devices. Over the same period, there has been a large-scale development of social media sites and apps, which are very popular amongst teenagers. (For a recent statistical summary see How Much Time Do People Spend on Social Media?, Evan Asano, Social Media Today, Jan 4th, 2017).

Opinion concerning the effects of the technological age on teenagers is mixed, to say the least. On the one hand, there are those who seek to shield teenagers from technology, listing increased anxiety, sleeplessness and the danger of moral corruption among reasons for their approach. On the other hand, there are those who point to benefits such as increased access to information, ease of communication and life skill development for the 21st century, in their catalogue of benefits accruing from the technological age.

Those at either extreme of the spectrum of opinion concerning teenagers and their use of personal mobile devices and social media are unlikely to change their opinion. Most, however, feel somewhat bewildered by the extraordinary range of views on this subject. Let me outline some basic tenets of what I believe to be a reasoned approach.

Both the benefits and risks associated with teenage use of personal mobile devices and social media are real. It seems to me that this represents a reasonable starting point. Personal mobile devices and social media sites are essentially tools and as such they are morally neutral. But as with most tools, when placed in human hands, they can be used for good or ill. What is important, therefore, is for us to understand the range of benefits associated with their use, whilst at the same time recognizing the dangers. The challenge with respect to teenagers then becomes that of how to help them develop boundaries that will lead to the optimum balance between the benefits that can be gained from their use set against the minimum exposure to the risks.

Boundaries need to be flexible according to the age and culture of the individual. We should never lose sight of that fact that all teenagers are individuals. Whilst we may refer to them generically as “teenagers”, who share common opportunities, concerns and challenges on account of their stage in life, they nevertheless remain individuals and what is right for one might not be right for another. Especially in the early teens, it might be necessary to have stricter boundaries whilst the teenager develops a feel for where their own boundaries should be, along with the will to establish and the capability to observe those boundaries. How personal mobile devices are to be used, which social media sites should be accessible, and which type of site or material should be considered inappropriate, will all change with the age of the user and the cultural beliefs of their family and community of origin.

Personal mobile devices and social media should be approached as any other issue affecting teenagers, not separated into an “extra serious” category of its own. It is, of course, true that the technological aspect of teenage life is one of the areas that distinguishes the experience of being a teenager today from what it may have been like for their parents or teachers when they were themselves teenagers. Whilst we should not underestimate the enormity of the shift that technological advancement has brought to society, I believe it is a mistake to invest this area with an extraordinary significance when it comes to our approach to helping teenagers navigate their way through it. Rather, our approach to helping them through this particular aspect of teenage life ought, I suggest, to be similar to the approach we take to other areas of teenage life, including matters like the development of sexuality, responsible behaviour within the family, and the management of alcohol intake. The subject under discussion will be influenced by a multitude of other areas of teenage life, each of which will also be influenced by the aspect of technology. Overall, consistency is important so as to create a unified approach to the whole of life rather than risk the creation of taboos through a disproportionate focus on one particular area.

Basic tips for parents

An article by Ana Homayoun earlier this year in the New York Times, based on a survey by Common Sense Media, suggested that 86% of teenagers claim to have received general advice about life online from their parents. Alongside this, some 30%, it has to be said, reckoned that their parents knew little or nothing about the social media apps and sites they use. However, the most striking finding was that most teenagers “still say that their parents have the biggest influence on determining what is appropriate and inappropriate online” (Homayoun).

Whilst it may not always feel like it, then, the vast majority of parents retain a powerful opportunity to influence their teenagers in the area of online activity. With that in mind, here are some basic tips.

Make “responsible use” the goal. Whenever the issue of setting boundaries arises in the context of technology, I encourage parents to make “responsible use” the goal. Any boundaries developed with the teenager ought to have as their aim the goal of promoting the teenager’s responsible use of the technological tools available to them. This approach seeks to shape behaviour in the present in such a way that it provides a firm foundation for the future.

Communication is the key – listening. Communication between parents and their teenagers is not always smooth or easy. However, clear communication is a key requirement if the teenager is to be enabled to set helpful boundaries in the realm of their personal mobile devices and use of social media. It is important to remember that good communication is two-way in its nature! Parents need to take time to listen actively to their teenagers about how it feels to be immersed in a world of technology with its 24-hour demand for their attention from social media sites. Those who thus gain an understanding of the world their teenager inhabits, and who hear the areas in which their teenager would like help in shaping boundaries, are showing themselves to be wise parents.

Communication is the key – explaining. Alongside careful listening, there needs to be patient explanation in terms of making clear the need for helpful boundaries with regard to the use of personal mobile devices and social media. If the aim of developing responsible use is kept clearly in mind, then patient explanation, as opposed to aggressive assertion, provides a reliable path towards acceptance on the part of teenagers of the need for boundaries to enhance their freedom to explore online from a position of relative safety.

Basic tips for teachers

Model responsible use within the educational process. The way technology is put to use within the classroom in pursuit of the curriculum is an important area where the responsible use of technology can be modelled for teenagers. Students can see with little effort when the use of technology provides for genuine enhancement of their education and when it is more a case of their teacher using it simply because they (the teacher) thinks it’s cool. As with all educational tools, both personal devices and social media can be used to great effect in school, but they can also be used frivolously and that is of no help to anyone.

A forum for teenage discussion. It is important that schools accommodate the need for teenage debate about the benefits and drawbacks of technological resources. Teachers can do their students a great service by allowing their classroom to become, when appropriate, a forum where debate is encouraged about aspects of the use of personal devices and social media. For many, debate provides the opportunity for the honing of personal beliefs and approaches, and in this area, as in others, schools provide an invaluable service by allowing debate to occur.

Support teenage action. A recent article in the Daily Mail Online (UK) drew attention to the emergence in some schools of an opportunity for a digital detox. Students and teachers agree on a number of days during which there will be no use of technology in school, either in class or during breaks. This could have value in several respects. It emphasizes that these technologies are tools and that human life and education can continue without them. At the same time, it emphasizes the importance of the technologies by reminding participants of some of the ways that we have come to rely them for the more effective pursuit of education. But most importantly, taking the deliberate decision to manage without the technologies for a period of time models to students that it is possible to control the use of technology, and control is an essential feature of responsible use. A digital detox, of course, is unlikely to be very effective if it is imposed. However, if the concept is discussed with student leaders, so that they see the potential benefits, and if, consequently, they are prepared to own the event and carry through its management themselves, it has the potential to be a powerful experience within the school community. Such an event could provide an effective model that students can choose to carry over also into other areas of life.

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