Promoting Resilience in Teenagers

Have you ever wondered how it can be possible for two people of the same age to face vey similar challenging circumstances, and for one to crumble whilst the other rises to the challenge and emerges from it strengthened for the future? The factor that makes the difference is what we call resilience. Resilience is variously defined, but it boils down to the ability to cope well both during and following challenging circumstances, to adapt in the face of difficulty and to bounce back following setbacks.

An article in the New York Times Magazine in October last year focused on the frightening increase of severe anxiety amongst teenagers in the United States. The article indicates that growing numbers of students lack the resilience to “problem-solve or advocate for themselves effectively”, leading more of them eventually to stop attending school altogether as anxiety overwhelms them. It is not clear whether the major contributor to the increase in anxiety is a decrease in the number of teenagers who are equipped with the resilience to face today’s turbulent world, or whether it is the result of the increased pressures and stress heaped on teenagers by our technologically advanced world. In all likelihood, it is a combination of the two. However, whether it is for confronting everyday difficulties, or facing one of life’s more difficult challenges, like losing a family member, commentators agree that today’s teenagers need to become more resilient.

Commentators also agree that, whilst a variety of personal characteristics may impact resilience, it is not in itself genetic; but is rather a skill that can be learned and built. Lists of what might be considered the building blocks of resilience vary, but most would include: a sense of belonging; self-respect and empathy; social skills; a positive outlook; and the availability and accessibility of supportive adults.

A sense of belonging can be gained from a variety of sources: family, school, peers and the wider community. We all need to know there are people who care about us and to whom we matter, people who will offer encouragement and support when we experience difficulty, and structures to which we can contribute in appropriate ways. Whilst a sense of belonging might be thought of as providing a cocoon within which the individual teenager exists, there needs also to be a sense of self-respect, which enables the teenager to know their own value as a person and have a realistic view of their own capabilities and strengths. Empathy, which allows respect for others and their feelings to develop, helps the teenager look beyond themselves. When this extends to supporting and helping others, there is a positive feedback that strengthens further the teenager’s sense of self-respect.

A teenager’s social skills enable them to make friends, resolve conflicts, maintain healthy relationships and cooperate with others. The ability to keep a positive outlook on life, even in the midst of difficulty, contributes to the ability to regard challenges as opportunities for growth rather than reasons to give up, and also feeds the ability to maintain hope. The availability of supportive adults provides an added level of reassurance that there are those to whom the teenager can turn to ask for help when they feel the need for the additional support of an experienced and trusted adult, who may be a family member, teacher, peer or professional supporter. These basic building blocks, in different combinations for different people, are required to help the teenager build resilience, to the nurturing of which we now turn.

Advice for Parents

Be models of resilience. It is not possible to nag teenagers into becoming resilient, but whatever parents say on the subject is likely to be less effective than the resilience they demonstrate. Teenagers observe how their parents handle life and its problems, and what they see can be a key factor in helping the teenagers develop their own approach. This applies as much to resilience as to any other aspect of life, and it requires parents to look at their own levels of resilience and to seek to address any deficiencies they find. Parents who lack resilience can communicate the message to their children that life’s difficulties are best avoided or given into; whereas parents who have developed their own resilience give the message that life’s challenges are for facing as opportunities for learning, growth and development.

Allow teenagers to face their own challenges. Since resilience is primarily to do with facing difficulties, it is important that parents resist the urge to shield their teenagers from all difficult circumstances. Resilience grows through practice, and children and teenagers need to develop their coping skills and strategies through putting them to use. Teenagers are helped when parents talk through approaches to difficulties, support and encourage them as they face difficulties, help them to keep their difficulties in a proper perspective, compliment them when they win through, and help them to reflect and learn from their experiences subsequently.

Observe how your teenager functions and help them address their weaknesses. Parents need to keep in mind the building blocks outlined earlier and encourage their children and teenagers to develop in areas where they are weaker. This can start before the child becomes a teenager. If, for example, the parent observes a reluctance to become involved with others, or hears from the class teacher that the child seems to be a loner, or sees that their teenager seems unable to maintain friendships beyond a couple of weeks, then a helpful avenue to explore could be that of helping them find ways to strengthen their social skills. When genuine difficulties arise during the teenager years, a supportive network of peers can be a valuable contributing factor to resilience, but such friendship networks need to be built before the crises hit.

Help your teenager develop a positive and realistic outlook on life. A vital element of resilience is the ability to maintain a perspective on life that gives a realistic view of difficulties when they arise. Not all difficulties need to affect the whole of a person’s life. A poor test result, for example, may prompt reflection on how the teenager studied and whether changes might be made to their study routines for the future, but there is no immediate reason for it to impact family holiday plans, sports team participation or a complete revision of one’s university applications. Especially if your teenager is prone to panic in response to a setback, a level-headed parent can be a valuable aid to keeping things in a proper perspective.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

 Observe and encourage. Teachers are in a great position to be able to observe how students cope with difficulty and to offer some encouragement at an appropriate moment. Two categories of student come immediately to mind as those who might benefit from the support of an observant teacher: those who generally seem to lack resilience, and those who ordinarily seem able to manage setbacks but who show an unexplained change in behaviour. For those students in the former category, regular reassuring comments about their ability to cope allied with complimentary remarks of encouragement when they succeed are a great combination. Such comments need not take a great amount of time, but they send the message that someone is interested in them and in their progress. Such comments can have a great impact on a student whose resilience is low. For those in the latter category, a gentle enquiry if everything is okay opens a door for a student to ask for help if they find themselves unexpectedly in a situation where they need it.

Incorporate a resilience programme into the curriculum. An age-appropriate resilience programme embedded in the curriculum not only makes students aware of the importance of resilience and how it can be built, but it also creates natural opportunities for those struggling with their resilience to identify their needs and to ask for help. Such a programme should aim to make students aware of the building blocks for resilience, give practical opportunities for students to try out strategies for strengthening resilience, and give clear information about the kinds of help that might be available and where. Resilience is an important protection and tool for students in today’s world, and a programme focused on its development could be an important contribution to students’ well-being and ability to succeed.

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Helping Teenagers Argue Effectively

I have little doubt that a number of readers of this blog will feel that today’s teenagers argue too much. However, I wish to put the case for the opposite! So let me begin by clarifying what I am talking about in this article when I refer to the ability to argue. I am not, on this occasion, talking about those times when teenagers make unrealistic demands of us; or when a discussion passes boiling point and ends with the stomp of feet up the stairs and the slamming of a bedroom door; nor about those times when as parents or teachers we pass the point of frustration with what seems like the innate ability of teenagers to question absolutely any instruction, however small and reasonable it might seem to us. Rather, I am talking about the ability to present a point of view in a thoughtful way, whilst showing respect to those who differ in their opinion. I am talking about constructing an argument using a logical thought process, while taking account of the bigger picture that provides the context for whatever is under discussion. I am talking about the ability to listen to those with whom one disagrees, taking on board points that are being made, but nevertheless holding firm to important principles. I am talking about developing negotiation skills and ultimately reaching a level of maturity that understands that arguments are often about clarifying and learning; not necessarily about winning.

The ability to argue effectively is an important skill for teenagers to have with them as they approach adulthood. It is a skill that will make them more marketable to potential employers; it will help them build stable adult relationships; it will help them in situations where they need to be able to listen to, and negotiate with, others. But this is not a case of developing a life skill, all of whose benefits lie at some stage in an uncertain future. In the shorter term, those who have begun to learn the skills of arguing effectively in their early teenage years are better equipped for some aspects of their future education as well as being armed with a powerful weapon to help them resist some of the negative peer pressures with which they might be faced in their later teenage years.

As indicated above, there are a number of aspects to arguing effectively. As with any complex skill, time and practice are essential to its successful development. One of the ways that human beings learn is through their mistakes, and learning to argue effectively is no exception. At times, teenagers will get it wrong: their frustration may take over, they may shout and become disrespectful, but when these things happen, they rely on the significant adults in their lives to help them learn from their mistakes. The important question for parents and teachers, then, is not how we can stop teenagers from arguing, but how we can best help them develop their argumentative tendencies in a way that will equip them for the adult world to which they are headed.

Advice for Parents

Try to keep calm. Parents, of course, can bear the brunt of it when teenagers are going through the learning process, and especially when they are getting it wrong. However, responding with the same type of broken behaviour pattern being portrayed by the teenager is not helpful in moving the situation forward. Responses like shouting over your teenager to stop them shouting, or trying to demonstrate that you can be even more stubborn and unreasonable than them, or becoming aggressive in response to their aggression, only ends up with two people behaving badly. Consequently, the teenager learns nothing about arguing effectively. If necessary, walk away until the temperature has cooled sufficiently for you both to be able to return and address the topic in a more rational way.

Model respect and good argumentation skills. The best way to help your teenager understand the need for respect, even when they disagree with someone’s viewpoint, is to model it in your dealings with them. The parent who takes time to listen to their teenager’s point of view, considers their arguments, asks questions for clarification when they do not understand, values good points made during the course of an argument, remains polite even when provoked, demonstrates empathy for their teenager and their situation, and who explains their decisions both models respect and demonstrates some of the important skills for arguing effectively. The teenager who knows how it feels to be respected is far more likely to respect others, and the teenager who has experienced significant adults in their life arguing effectively is far more likely to seek to develop a similar technique.

Keep the bigger picture of parenting always in mind. It is important for parents to keep in mind the overall goal in parenting a teenager – to help the teenager reach the point where they can enter the adult world successfully. For the parent, winning an argument with their teenager is not the ultimate goal. Sure, it may give a short-term feeling of satisfaction, but especially if the argument has been won through the use of bullying tactics, or by sacrificing truth for expediency, then the overall goal will have been set back. This is not to say the parent should always give in, or should step back from strongly held principles. However, the wise parent will look for opportunities to give ground when the teenager argues effectively, admitting that the teenager has explained a perspective that they (the parent) had not previously understood or appreciated. Through such comments, the teenager “feels” the value of arguing effectively and is more likely to press on with the development of this important life skill.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Differentiate between disrespect and argument. I have occasionally come across a teacher who seems to regard every student attempt to question as a sign of disrespect. Such an approach says more about the insecurity of the teacher than the disposition of the students. I have also come across students who wanted to take every possible opportunity to pick a fight with the teacher, often over unimportant issues. Neither approach facilitates learning. Even in situations where students have done wrong, or where tempers have begun to rise, there are often genuine attempts by students to gain clarification of issues through raising a contrary argument. Teachers who have developed the ability to understand what is happening even in the midst of a simmering situation, and who can answer arguments calmly, clearly and logically, do the most in such situations to foster learning. Teenagers often ask questions by arguing, and they need teachers who can model appropriate ways to disagree and good argumentation skills so that they can learn more about the issue under discussion and also about the good use of argument as a learning tool.

Promote the ability to construct logical argument. Teenage brain development starts at the back of the brain and moves forward. This means that teenage responses are governed more by the amygdala, situated at the back of the brain and triggering strong emotions, than by the pre-frontal cortex, which is at the front, develops later, and governs logical thought. As most of us have observed, teenagers often respond to situations emotionally and need help if they are to develop a considered and logical response.

Various aspects of the academic programmes followed by teenagers in school encourage debate and logical argument. Essay-writing in many subjects also depends on building a good argument. However, students are often told of the need for a well-constructed argument without anyone ever really explaining what that is or how it can be developed. Helping teenagers understand how to develop good argumentation skills and to put them to use in their academic work is an important factor in the development of their logical argumentation skills for life generally. However, teenagers often need help, too, in making the transition from using logical argument as an academic skill to using it more widely, be it within their school community or their family life. By asking the right questions, and by refusing to accept a lower standard of argumentation from students in their discussions generally in school than they would accept in their academic work, teachers have an important role to play in helping their students develop the life skill of being able to argue effectively.

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Helping Teenagers Learn from Failure

Teenagers are far more fearful of failure by the time they leave school than they were at 14.” This was one of the findings of a survey of 1000 teenagers, conducted just three years ago in the UK. Furthermore, the report goes on to suggest, fear of failure seems to be spread across society, seemingly unaffected by the socio-economic background of the teenagers surveyed.

Fear of failure can, of course, be a crippling experience at any age. It can lead to a lack of openness to new experiences, a restricted vision of life’s possibilities and reduced hope. It can lead to a complete refusal to take on challenges to avoid failing in the attempt, and ultimately to reduced self-confidence and depression. Such consequences would be serious at any stage in life, but for teenagers in the process of forming their life expectations and setting their life goals, its longer-term effects can be severely restrictive indeed and end in chronic life-long under-achievement.

The prevailing culture of contemporary Western society is very much oriented around success and happiness. These are widely sought and almost universally lauded as fundamental elements of a good life experience. In this context, it is not difficult to understand how failure has developed the reputation of something to be avoided. However, success and happiness do not necessarily go together, nor does the presence of one imply the other. Furthermore, neither success nor happiness is guaranteed by the avoidance of failure, the experience and handling of which may actually make their eventual attainment more likely.

A moment’s reflection will confirm that failure is a ubiquitous human experience. It is not the experience of failure in and of itself that is important, but how we respond to failure and learn from it. On one level, there is the learning from failure that enables us to do better next time. But at a deeper level, there can come the development of character, the growth of resilience and the ability truly to be empathetic with others.

Advice for Parents

It is undeniable that parents often find it painful to see their teenagers suffer the experience of failure. The desire to lessen the pain and to give their teenagers a wholly happy experience of life is understandable. However, I believe it is a mistake for parents always to rush in to try to shield their teenagers from the experience of failure. It is important to keep in mind what might be described as the fundamental purpose of parenting teenagers, namely, that of bringing the teenager safely to the point where they can take on the full responsibilities of adulthood. If our teenagers are given the false impression that life will always appear cloaked in happiness and crowned with success, then they are being fed a false picture of reality. Life is not like that. Happiness and success come bundled up with disappointment and failure, and for teenagers to be equipped to navigate a world of mixed experiences, they need to develop characteristics such as resilience and determination. When failure is faced and responded to constructively, such characteristics are allowed to develop.

Park the helicopter. Helicopter parenting leads to young adults who are ill-equipped to face the modern world with its mixed experiences, including failure. Of course, nobody would suggest that teenagers should be set up to fail, but when failure comes along, responsible parents help teenagers to find a way through the experience and to find ways to learn from it, rather than seeking always to protect them from it.

Talk about failure. If discussion of failure and what can be learned from it becomes a normal part of family conversation, the fear of failure will be diminished. If teenagers see that their parents are not afraid of failure, be it their own or that of their children, they are more likely to face their own failures and see them as learning opportunities. Honest discussion of failure when it happens helps set this aspect of our humanity in a healthy perspective.

Help your teenager develop their own understanding of success. Success means different things to different people. One of the reasons failure can become such a fearful ogre is that sometimes we accept other people’s definition of what makes for success even when their definition is inappropriate for us. Help your teenager develop the ability to evaluate their own strengths and weaknesses, to see where they have genuine potential and to set targets that are realistically challenging. If they encounter setbacks or failures on the way, help them pick themselves up and learn from the experience, re-shaping their goals if necessary. Ultimately, the aim of parents is to see teenagers become responsible, well-adjusted adults who thrive. For your teenager to have a clear understanding of what constitutes success for them is another step along the road towards this goal.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Build a culture that rewards effort. Of course, success should be celebrated, but recognition of effort is as important. There is nothing even-handed in the way life distributes abilities, be they academic, sporting, musical or other. Consequently, success comes more easily to some than to others. Those who are not naturally gifted in a certain field, but who make progress through their effort, deserve recognition alongside those who excel. Helping students appreciate the value of effort and determination in bringing about progress will help them understand that success and failure need to be understood differently for different people.

Regard failure as part of the normal learning process. Those who accept failure as part of the process of learning are more likely to make progress than those who regard it as a matter for shame or embarrassment. Teachers, who can help teenagers develop a healthy approach to failure as a means to advancing their learning, give a valuable gift to their students. Learning from failure helps develop resilience, and resilience is regarded increasingly as an indispensable and valuable tool for survival in today’s world.

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