Teenagers and Sex (2)

The first of this series of articles on Teenagers and Sex concentrated on the context for sex, looking at respect, consent, information and safety. The second article will be built around the general theme of sexuality.

Sexuality is a term that is very flexible in scope, seeming almost to mean whatever an individual wants it to mean. Our first task, then, is to define it for the purposes of this article. In terms of a broad-brush description, Wikipedia’s “the way people experience and express themselves sexually” provides a starting point that would be acceptable to many. Writers generally divide human sexuality into a number of areas. Such lists can be long, but for the purposes of this article we shall focus on four areas with specific reference to how they might impact teenagers specifically. We shall look at sensuality, gender/sexual identity, intimacy and relationships, and sexual health.

Puberty, with its many physical, chemical and emotional changes, brings about an increase in sensuality during the teenage years that is both vast and unavoidable. Teenagers become aware that there is a sexual aspect to adult human life, which they want to explore, experience and understand. There are many levels at which the sensual development of teenagers impacts them, including how they view their own body, how they feel about other people, how they experience and manage their desires, which relationships they choose to pursue and how they foster and develop those relationships.

Basically, gender/sexual identity is about whether we identify ourselves as “male, female, both or neither”. For the current generation of teenagers, this aspect of human sexuality has become more prominent than would have been the case for teenagers merely a decade ago. During that short period of time, some societies have undergone a paradigm shift in public opinion regarding the social acceptability of homosexuality, whereas others have seen a hardening of their traditional approach. Teenagers in the digital age are aware of the range and strength of opinion in this area, yet still have to get to grips with the development of their own bodies, feelings and desires. It is not unusual for teenagers to experience a confusion of heterosexual and homosexual feelings, some of which may be temporary, some of which may be permanent, and some of which they may not comprehend until years later.

The third area of human sexuality concerns intimacy and relationships, and includes the closeness, familiarity and acceptance we show both to ourselves and to others. Intimacy can be emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, or a combination of all these things; just as relationships can take the form of platonic friendship, close companionship, or involve sexual activity. Teenagers, building on the experiences of their childhood, and in the context of the development of their sensuality and gender identity, are figuring out for themselves what are appropriate levels of intimacy and levels of friendship. This is no easy task; it may involve an element of experimentation; almost certainly there will be mistakes; and it is part of a lifelong process of learning, development and commitments.

The aspect of sexuality focusing on sexual health is as wide and all-embracing as human sexuality itself. A teenager’s self image; the way they respond to their developing body and sexual feelings; the way they embrace or fight what they perceive to be their gender identity; how they manage their sexual desires; the levels of intimacy they decide it appropriate to pursue; the relationships they attempt to build with others; the precautions they adopt against sexually transmitted infections – all these (and more) combine to determine whether an individual’s sexuality develops in a healthy way and whether or not it remains healthy.

In what follows, I assume the overall aim of parents, teachers and schools to be the creation of a climate that is likely to yield the best opportunity for a healthy development of sexuality in the teenagers with whom they live, engage and work.

Advice for parents

Within the field of human sexuality, there will be for some parents areas about which they feel particularly strongly. We shall touch on some of those areas below with the help of three keywords: honesty, openness and acceptance.

Ultimately, the teenager’s developing sexuality will be a determining factor in the adult they become, which is why it is so important for their sexuality to be genuine for them as an individual. The best means to ensure a genuine outcome is to ensure honesty about the exploration. It is important to be clear here about what is happening as a teenager’s sexuality develops. It is not a case of teenagers exploring a range of possibilities and choosing the one that appeals to them most or which will make them popular with their friends. Rather, discovering their sexuality is about uncovering something that already exists and is developing within them. Teenagers are essentially discovering who they are and parents can play an important role here by reassuring their teenager that they have nothing to fear from an honest exploration of who they are at the core of their being.

I believe parents make a big mistake if they seek to impose their own understanding of sexuality on their children, or if they communicate the message that certain expressions of sexuality are unacceptable from the outset. Parents can best encourage their teenagers to adopt an honest approach to exploring their sexuality by being honest themselves with their teenagers. At a simple level, that means being honest about their own ignorance if teenagers have questions that they (the parents) cannot answer, and then searching for answers, either together with their teenagers or separately and then comparing answers. Where there is a fear that teenagers might discover about themselves things that the parents will find difficult to accept, they should be honest about that too, but with the assurance that if there are outcomes that the parent finds difficult they will work with their teenager to find a way forward. Trying to force a teenager in a certain direction with regard to their sexuality, has the potential to result in a life built on deceit, as the teenager tries to hide who they really are from their parents; or on denial, as the teenager tries to force themselves to become the “ideal” held by their parents whilst they know deep-down that their efforts are determined to fail because that is not who they really are.

Parents can help their teenagers a great deal in this regard if they can offer reassurance of their openness to what the teenager might discover about themselves. Sometimes, parents are fearful that their own reputation might suffer with their friends, or within the wider family or their faith community, if their teenager declares a certain gender identity, for example. Rather than trying to force their teenager to conform for the sake of their own reputation, I would encourage parents to support their teenagers through times of opposition to who they are. I recognise that this is not likely to be an easy course for parents to adopt, but ultimately it is the course I advocate for the sake of the teenager. Of course, for the majority of parents they way their teenager’s sexuality develops will create no such difficulties, but the fact that the parent assured them that they would have stood by their side if difficulties had emerged will have been an enormous confidence boost on their road to adulthood.

What this all boils down to, is that teenagers need to be reassured of their parents’ acceptance. This might come as a surprise to some, but it remains the case that the vast majority of teenagers, although they may not be prepared to admit it face to face, actually want the approval of their parents. Parents are in the process of setting their teenagers free to become autonomous adults, helping them to understand their sexuality by guaranteeing them acceptance is an important element of what it means to parent a teenager in today’s world.

Advice for teachers and schools

The development of student sexuality is one area where it is of paramount importance that teachers and schools offer protection against bullying. Adolescent feelings run deep and lasting damage can be incurred if students find any aspect of their developing sexuality held up to ridicule. Bullying takes many forms: verbal, physical, online, overt, hidden; so teachers have a vital role to play in remaining aware of what is happening within the student community, and students need to know where to turn if they need help.

I would encourage schools, also, to develop curricula that address the many aspects of teenage sexuality. Fear and mockery have their roots in the unknown as individuals and groups try to protect themselves from those they perceive as different or from things they do not understand. Schools are about education, so ensuring the educational programme addresses issues that go to the heart of what it means to be human should be an important priority. Where appropriate, I would suggest schools encourage student involvement in the formation and delivery of such educational programmes.

Please follow and like me:
error

I want to be like …

Role models are important, not just for children, but for people of all ages. It seems that being able to see some of our own areas of potential lived out by others helps us visualize better what we want to become. Role models give us something to aspire to and to seek to emulate, a target at which we can aim: “I could be like that!”

Many young children will look to their parents as their first role models, perhaps adding an early teacher before turning their attention to their favourite footballer, dancer, singer… At this stage, having a role model is often akin to hero worship, seeing only the good and wanting to imitate them in every respect.

Teenagers have their role models too, but at this stage of their lives, young people are becoming more discerning, learning to differentiate between the aspects of their role model they would like to emulate and those they would not. They will be learning to see that their heroes (including their parents and teachers) have flaws as well as desirable qualities, selecting which aspects to avoid and which to continue to seek to emulate. So, it is not unusual that their role models also become their anti-role models in other respects.

Over the years, I have found teenagers reluctant to accept the idea that others might see them as role models. Younger brothers and sisters often see teenagers as role models, and younger students sometimes see those a few grades above them within a school community as role models too. All too often, this goes unnoticed, which is a shame since being respected by others can be a source of personal affirmation for those whose actions or character has been noticed.

Tips for Parents

Either positively or negatively, being a role model is an aspect of being the parent of a teenager from which there is no escape! They know you better than you think, not just your actions and behaviours, but your motivations too. Teenagers are at the stage of learning to be critical and parents sometimes find teenage critical analysis relentless and the honesty ruthless!

Be honest with your teenager about your own strengths and weaknesses. One of the things that I have heard teenagers denounce most often and most vehemently is hypocrisy, wherever it occurs, but especially if it comes from their parents. Admitting that alongside the things you do well, there are also things you do badly or with which you struggle, and encouraging them to emulate the former rather than the latter, could be an important step in raising the level of honesty in the relationship with your teenager.

You cannot choose your teenager’s role models for them. For many parents, there will be a considerable measure of relief on discovering that their teenager’s role models are people for whom they also hold some admiration. For others, however, there might be fear of the possible outcomes of their teenager seeking to emulate role models of which they disapprove. Fighting your teenager’s choice of role models will often be a fruitless enterprise. However, especially if you have been able to talk honestly with them about yourself, as suggested above, it might be possible to extend the approach to the evaluation of others. Acknowledging that there are some aspects of their role model that you recognise as admirable, whilst there are others about which you have considerable reservations, is more likely to gain a hearing from your teenager than a wholesale dismissal of the person they hold in esteem.

Talk with your teenager about your own role models. Whether it is someone who currently inspires you, or someone you once held in esteem, talking with your teenager about how they are/were helpful to you as a role model could be a helpful step to take. Helping them see how you wanted to emulate an aspect of someone, whose flaws you also recognised at the time, could be a step towards helping them to learn more about the effective use of a role model.

Tips for Teachers

Be a role model. Teachers are in a unique position to be role models for their teenage students of a whole range of aspects. From behaviour in a professional environment, to refusing to discriminate on the grounds of gender or race, to the patience shown towards students who are struggling with a subject in which the teacher is considered an expert – students will see and learn from the example set by a quality teacher in their classroom.

Give feedback. Teachers sometimes become aware of younger students holding older students in esteem for something they have achieved or the way they have behaved. Feeding that back to the older student, quietly and in a way that protects the identity of the younger students, can have an enormous affirmative effect.

Don’t allow banter that demeans an individual for being a role model. One of the ways teenagers sometimes protect themselves is to talk down any recognition of the achievements of others in the class. By refusing to allow such banter in the classroom, the teacher can support those who are already becoming good role models for others, and also be a role model in the way they refuse to allow the loudest voice to dominate their classroom.

Please follow and like me:
error