Considering Teenage Introverts

Teenagers are often misunderstood, but one group that is misunderstood more than many are teenagers who also happen to be introverts. In an international school where I was principal, we were used to students arriving from other countries and knew to keep an eye out to see they were settling in. Within a couple of weeks of their arrival, it became apparent that one particular student did not seem to be settling – the student rarely said anything in class, seemed to sit alone at lunchtime, could often be found on their own during breaks. A series of teachers and several students expressed concern. On talking with the student, I discovered (and their parents subsequently confirmed) that this was not a case of a homesick student who needed help, but a very introverted individual, who was very self-aware, comfortable with their introversion, and who had worked out how to find space within the busyness of a school day.

It is generally accepted that somewhere between a third and a half of people are introverts, the figure depending on the definition of introversion used. For the purposes of this article, I will assume an energy-focused definition (Susan Cain,  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Penguin, 2012, p.10). Introverts find the experience of being with others generally energy-draining and need time alone to recharge, whereas extroverts gain energy from socialising with others. There is considerable doubt whether anyone can be described as a complete introvert/extrovert, but we are all to be found on a spectrum somewhere between these two extremes, and the end of the spectrum to which we are closest leads to us being described as either introvert or extrovert.

It is important to be clear about the nature of introversion. It is not the same as shyness, which is more about fear of being judged negatively by others. Nor is it snobbery, which believes others to be of less value. It is certainly not an illness that can be cured, nor a failing that can be corrected. It is, rather, part of a person’s character; part of the way they are “wired”. Put simply, introverts value being alone as much as extroverts enjoy being the centre of attention. They are likely to avoid occasions involving many people, and perhaps maintain just a few close friendships rather than being part of bigger friendship circles. That’s just how they are.

The above holds true for people of all ages, and so includes teenagers. With a third to a half of teenagers being introverts, one might expect to find a ready supply of role models of introverts in entertainment, sport, politics, leadership positions in business and industry, etc., but a ready supply of such role models is lacking. There are a few exceptions, of course, but the vast majority of role models are extrovert in nature. The reason for the lack of introvert role models is not that introverts cannot be found in such areas, but that human society on the whole has unthinkingly bought into the idea that the extrovert role model is the model par excellence of what it means to be a successful human being. “Loudest is best”, or at least, loudest is easier to “sell” as the kind of model to which others can aspire. In short, one end of the spectrum has come to be viewed as the norm.

We are familiar with the idea of teenagers struggling to establish their own identity, but what about the effect on an introverted teenager when faced by a plethora of extrovert role models which they know deep-down they can never emulate? We are aware that teenagers live in a highly social environment, where it matters who belongs to the group and who does not, but where does that leave the introverted teenager who craves time alone in order to be able to cope with the social stresses of their daily environment? We accept that teenagers can sometimes be argumentative, rebellious, loud and boisterous, especially in groups, but what about the introverted teenager who does not fit the social stereotypes and who, by their very nature, seem to place themselves outside of the groups of which it seems to be the general expectation that they will want to be a part?

As parents and teachers, we aim to help teenagers find the adult they have the potential to become, but do introverted teenagers get the same opportunities as their extrovert contemporaries, or are they destined to have whatever is left once the extroverts have taken the best?

Advice for parents

Parents are well placed to know the character of their teenager, but they can also become frustrated at what they think they see. So, for example, the extrovert parent who does not understand their introvert teenager’s apparent preference for another quiet night in, rather than attending the party that is the talk of the town, might vent their frustration with a comment such as “It’s not normal!” or “What on earth is wrong with you?” To an introverted teenager, struggling to understand their own choices, such remarks can raise all manner of questions about the possibility of mental illness, questions the parent may not even have considered as they blurted out their instinctive question. Parental attempts to get their introverted teenager to talk might feel like an uphill struggle in the face of sullen defiance, but it could simply be that the teenager cannot find the words to express what they are feeling or know how to explore what the underlying reasons might be.

Acceptance. The most valuable support a parent can give their teenager is acceptance, especially in the case of an introverted teenager who may be struggling to understand why they do not fit comfortably into the social culture of their peers. Acceptance sends the message to the teenager that they are valued for who they are, regardless of the similarities to, or differences from, those around them. Acceptance provides a solid base from which the introverted teenager can explore ways to develop the social aspect of their life in a way that is manageable for them.

Challenge appropriately. Whilst the introverted teenager may crave time alone, they also need to develop the social skills that will enable them to survive, and hopefully thrive, as an adult. The key here for parents is to help their teenager find the right balance between time spent with others and time spent alone to recharge their energy. This may require some negotiation, perhaps agreeing to collect them at a pre-arranged time so that, if they go out, they are not faced with an open-ended social commitment. It may mean helping them to develop strategies to make social occasions more manageable. It may mean allowing them to opt out of some family times in order to find the solitude they need to prepare themselves for the next school day.

Watch for behaviour changes. Introversion is not a form of mental illness, but because the introvert will likely spend more time alone than others, the introversion can sometimes help mask the onset of a problem that needs to be addressed. It is important that parents keep an eye on their teenager’s behaviour, not so they can draw comparisons with other teenagers, but so they can look for changes in behaviour that represent a departure from what might be considered normal for their teenager. If there are concerns, talk with your teenager in the first instance, and if concerns persist, offer to go with them to seek professional advice.

Advice for teachers and schools

Question systems. Schools are busy places and teachers are busy people, so it is easy to overlook the impact on individuals of the way we do things, especially if those individuals are the quieter members of the group who might be less likely to make a fuss if things do not go their way. Schools often use group activities these days, enabling students to develop collaborative and teamwork skills. However, groups are not always the best approach, and even within larger group projects, it should be made known that students can sometimes work individually towards the group’s aims. When it comes to student government or other roles where elections might be held, having students address large groups, or even the entire school community, favours certain students. Technology is such today that students could be given the option of addressing students directly for a couple of minutes or making a video recording of the same length. This is such a simple measure that could level the playing field for some introverted students at a stroke.

Affirm introverted students. A question to the more introverted members of a class from time to time to establish that they are OK can have a lasting effect. Simply bothering to ask conveys the message to that person about their value in your eyes. Taking the opportunity of an informal chat about aspects of school life they find difficult, or asking about the strategies they have developed to make school life manageable, can be valuable for introverted students because it sends the message that you recognise some, at least, of the difficulties they face.

Create quiet spaces. Many introverts need space from others at times, even if only for a few minutes. Deliberately creating small areas for those who wish to be quiet, and helping them to maintain those areas as quiet places, could be a powerful way of helping introverted students manage their school day.

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Teenagers and Alcohol

In many societies, alcohol has come to be viewed as the most socially-acceptable of drugs. For many teenagers, consequently, learning to use and manage alcohol is seen as a normal part of the growing-up process, and the experience of becoming drunk a kind of rite of passage. The result of social acceptance, however, is a kind of collective down-playing of the dangers of alcohol, both in terms of the drug itself and in terms of the increased risks it brings to other activities.

We begin our consideration with a look at the basic facts about alcohol.

  • Alcohol is a drug.
  • It is a depressant.
  • It is addictive.

When a person consumes an alcoholic drink, about a third of the alcohol is absorbed immediately into the bloodstream through the stomach wall, whilst the remaining two-thirds is absorbed more slowly through the small intestine. Once in the bloodstream, the alcohol circulates the body where it can affect all its organs, but its primary focus is the brain and central nervous system. As a depressant, alcohol acts to slow down the processes of the human body. Initially, it inhibits the area of the brain responsible for self-consciousness, which means the person can experience a short-lived sense of freedom, and which leads to alcohol sometimes being seen mistakenly as a stimulant. However, after this initial effect, its depressant nature becomes more readily apparent in symptoms like slurred speech, unsteadiness in standing or walking, reduced inability to process information, impaired memory and drowsiness. Over-exposure to the drug can have serious consequences, including suppression of breathing, coma and death.

Brain scans have confirmed the depressant nature of alcohol, which acts to suppress the activity of the pre-frontal cortex: the area of the brain responsible for decision-making. The initial experience of freedom from inhibition is one of the features of alcohol that contributes to its highly addictive nature, helping people relax in social situations they might otherwise find stressful. Those who are unable to control their response to the drug’s addictive nature are known as alcoholics, who require alcohol to sustain their day-to-day functioning. The long-term damaging effects of alcohol on the human body are both well known and well documented.

The legal minimum age for drinking alcohol varies between countries. Whereas 13 is widely given as the average age for a first drink, an article published in The Guardian at the beginning of 2018 claimed for the UK that, “… 14% of girls and 20% of boys had tried alcohol at the age of 11”. Furthermore, the article went on to claim, “… the latest findings show that overall almost half of teenagers had tried alcohol by age 14”. The rise in binge drinking (usually defined as more than 5 drinks in a session) amongst older teenagers during the last decade has given rise to considerable societal concern.

The dangers associated with drinking alcohol for teenagers fall mainly into two categories: the possible effects of the alcohol on the developing teenage brain and body; and exposure, as a result of the alcohol consumption, to activities riskier than those to which the teenagers would ordinarily be exposed. Much has been learned over the past decade through brain research, about the major phase of human brain development that occurs during the teenage years until the mid-twenties. This phase of extraordinary brain development occurs coincidentally with the time period which, for many, is the heaviest period of exposure to alcohol of their entire lives. As one Australian publication warns, “Drinking alcohol can cause irreversible changes to the developing brain, particularly to the area of the brain that is responsible for rational thinking. Damage to this part of the brain during its development can lead to learning difficulties, memory problems, and impaired problem solving.”

Alongside the health-related dangers of alcohol, there is the element of risk that comes from engaging in certain activities whilst under the influence of alcohol. Top of the list is driving, or being a passenger of someone, under the influence of alcohol. Teenagers are also more likely, when under the influence of alcohol, to engage in unprotected sexual activity, to become the perpetrators or victims of sexual assaults, to become involved in violent incidents, to commit self-harm or suicide.

Advice for Parents

In light of the widespread availability and social acceptance of alcohol in many societies, on the one hand, and of the dangers outlined above, on the other, the best advice to parents is twofold. Firstly, delay as long as possible the initial use of alcohol by your teenager. Secondly, when delay is no longer a feasible option, stress the importance of the safest possible use.

Delay initial exposure to alcohol. This advice is strongly rooted in the effect of alcohol on the teenager’s developing brain. As the article cited earlier from Reachout.com states with regard to the teenage brain, “… the longer your teenager delays using alcohol, and the less they drink, the better their brain functioning will be now and in later life.” The findings of teenage brain research are still relatively new, but as they receive further confirmation, and as they become more widely known, I would expect the drive to delay the initial exposure of teenagers to alcohol also to intensify. For years, one of the favoured approaches of many parents was to introduce their teenagers to alcohol a little at a time in the safety of the home environment. The results of an Australian study reported in The Lancet in early 2018 reached the conclusion that “There is no evidence to support the practice of parents providing alcohol to their teenagers to protect them from alcohol-related risks during early adolescence”. In fact, the study’s findings “strongly suggest that parental supply of alcohol to adolescents does not protect against future alcohol-related harm, and might in fact increase risk.”

Safe use. Regardless of the strategies used by parents to delay the use of alcohol by their teenagers, there comes a time for most when teenagers decide to try it for themselves. From this point on, the role of the parent shifts to trying to ensure the safest possible use. This includes (at the very least):

  • making teenagers aware of the effects of alcohol on the human brain and body;
  • giving advice on maintaining an acceptable level of consumption;
  • suggesting how to resist peer pressure to drink more or to excess;
  • making clear the dangers of binge drinking;
  • agreeing sensible transport arrangements to and from parties;
  • making it clear to your teenagers that they remain responsible for their actions towards others even when under the influence of alcohol;
  • assuring teenagers that you are always there for them whatever their situation;
  • putting in place emergency arrangements for you to “rescue” them at a moment’s notice from situations where they feel they might be in danger.

Role model a responsible use of alcohol. However strong a parent’s words about alcohol and its dangers, the way their parents handle alcohol will have more effect on the teenager. Teenagers notice the discrepancies between the words and actions of their parents. Such are the dangers to teenagers from the misuse of alcohol, however, that parents will want to avoid sending mixed messages about its use, about drinking and driving, and about all the other areas where alcohol impinges on social behaviour.

Communicate openly about alcohol and related issues. Teenagers may view their parents as old-fashioned or party-spoilers when they communicate about alcohol, but sometimes that’s what being a parent demands. Parents have to accept that sometimes their teenagers make decisions that go against their best advice, but parents can ensure that their teenagers make those decisions with full knowledge of the dangers, effects and possible consequences.

Keep safety the number one priority. A late night phone call from your teenager because their driver has been drinking and they do not want to get into the car with them is certainly inconvenient and not what you wanted after a long week at work. However, it is the kind of phone call that I would rather receive and respond to than have a visit from the police after a serious or fatal accident. Your teenagers need to know that on the few occasions they feel they have to make that call, you will respond and that they will not be in trouble for having made the call.

Advice for Teachers and Schools

Make clear information available. If they are so minded, teenagers can find information on the internet to support any stance they choose to adopt on alcohol. Parents can sometimes struggle to know good sources of information, as opposed to opinion. One way schools can support teenagers and their parents is to keep and make available, both to students and their parents, reliable information about alcohol, its effects and dangers, warning signs of alcohol dependence, where to find help if it is needed, etc. Reliable and easily accessible, up-to-date information can be an invaluable resource and a means of ensuring that discussions between parents and teenagers commence from a common starting point.

Be alert to the warning signs of alcohol-related issues. Teachers will often see the signs of alcohol-related problems in school, but schools need to ensure that teachers know what signs to look for, whom to tell, and what to do if they see those signs. This is an area of student care where regular and informed professional development of the whole teaching staff can make a big difference.

Have clear policies about alcohol and enforce them. Students, parents and teachers all need to know what happens if a student brings alcohol into school or attends school-related events whilst under the influence of alcohol. To be effective, such policies need to be communicated clearly and regularly, and they need to be enforced.

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